I don't know why, but the concept of "mama's boy" and even "daddy's girl" has long-bothered me. Perhaps it is because of personal brushes against the terminology. But why? In order to understand why sometimes we have to mentally agree and find points to back up the theory and logic rather than find points we agree on.
I feel like it's time that we broke apart the concept, piece by piece, because the relationships around us are crumbling faster than blueberry crumb cake (Which, is my favorite). Let's take a look and maybe spark some good conversation and change. If nothing else, here is some fascinating, entertaining reading for fifteen minutes.
But why is it a negative thing at all? I have a positive relationship with my parents/mom/dad.
But how healthy are you other relationships in life?
I simply rise that question.
I have noticed a breakdown in marital relationships that sometimes stems from a spouse putting more love and effort into their relationship with their parents (or in-laws) than their own marriage and relationships.
Ouch.
That hits a nerve.
I am a person of faith (though, it ebbs and flows.) I believe in a higher power (God, in this instance, though quite frankly it depends on the day with what terms I am on with him. We have a give and take, ebb and flow relationship. It is very freeing.) In the Bible (at least, the 1867 King James version) there are a couple verses that talk about leaving and cleaving.
The thing is, deep down, we desire to have boundaries and healthy relationships, and keep our children's best interest at heart, but how are we really doing with that? Hmm. Let's look at some ideas.
Etymology is one of my favorite things in the world (Check out the Blue Letter Bible app here for Android and here for Apple). You can use an app or dictionary/commentary to look up what "leaving and cleaving" actually means. I believe the Holy Bible is still relevant today, though also a grain of salt to be applied by meaning and context than literally. However, in this case, I beg to differ that it is literal.
We have so many examples in society of individuals, girls or boys, holding onto these special parental relationships their entire lives, and while this is not inately wrong, it can raise some problems in so many other relationships in life.
But how?
Boundaries tend to not be in place.
Why do boundaries matter?
It is where time is dedicated and emotions are put into. It can be where money tends to flow, and what expectations we can find ourselves under.
Mamas and Papas- we get it. You cherish your grown children, and in your mind they will always be a daddy's "pumpkin pie" or a mama's "little man" but let's think about that for a hot minute-
Why do we need to continue these relationships from childhood? It just sounds... weird.
And that's because it is.
No ifs ands or butts about it.
See, the thing is, when we devote our emotions and time into maintaining that individual parent-child relationship, we completely miss leaving the family of origin (in a healthy way, mind you) and cleaving (or becoming part of) our own new marriage and family with our spouse.
If we fail to do this completely, we forever run into and carry the child-parent loyalty and relationship and honestly, who really wants to do that?
If we're being honest, a piece of us longs for that closeness in our marriage and with our children, but it also longs to truly let our children fly from the nest.
Because when we do that, and let go of them, and release them, we free ourselves to see them spread their wings and find the ones their souls love.
Here's to looking at you, grandparents.
This brings up another point- Grandparent - Grandchildren relationships.
Can we all collectively agree that there need to be healthy boundaries respected?
For the people in the back, you do not own your grandchildren. They are not yours to believe that you are actually the better parent than your own children. Your children need to raise their children however they see fit. Your relationship is not life and death.
After all, back in the day, it was rare for a family to even get one picture. In our social media and internet saturated, instant world, I see so many unhealthy relationships and expectations on grown children. It boils down to letting go of our position and authority as a parent. It needs to be passed onto our children to live life and have their own authority of their home.
I agree on some of these points (Or I don't at all! Who are you to tell me how to parent/grandparent?!) but I don't know how to implement it!
Thankfully, baby steps are awesome! The fact that this either struck a nerve, sounded out of place, or maybe resonated some, whatever your personal stance or relationship, it can change the world with one spark of change!
Some ideas for how to implement little sparks of joy and change and boundaries:
1. Write down some boundaries with your spouse. Start with some simple ones. Perhaps it is limiting time on social media with your parents or shifting towards sending less pictures/ spending more time with your own kiddos.
2. Take a breath from your stomach, out then in. Change takes time. It's ok if all you do is meditate over this idea, place it on the shelf, and come back to it.
3. Invite your hardest relationship into healing activities where a boundary is brought up and stated nicely but also clearly.
Example, parent/grandparent:
Mom, we would love if you could come over for a movie night tonight. The kids need to go to bed by 8:00 even though it's a Friday night. Plan on bringing x item for dinner, and doing one bedtime story. We can handle the rest of bedtime. We really appreciate you as a grandma and the kids dearly love having you over!
See how that both presented an activity and also placed some authority on you as the parent?
Example teenager/parent:
Look Dad, I know you don't care for my boyfriend, but he shares so many wonderful traits that you have (or if that doesn't hold true, be honest with kind words). I would love if you could come with us to go see x movie/ do a bbq because he also loves to grill but needs a few ideas. // Or, dad, I will always be your little princess, but I want to learn how to dance with {boyfriend}. I'd love if you could take pictures of us before prom!
Example grandparent/grandchild:
Sarah, I love your ballet outfit! Your mama has such a good eye for what you love in ballet! // Or, Damion, I think it is awesome how much your mom and dad love you! That picnic they took you on was so special to me and to you.
Clearly these are just a few ideas. I'm sure you can think of more to start with little steps.
We have to be the change we wish to see in the world.
Love fills the cracks and hard places in life and we are better and on the road to healthy relationships because of that love.
I think the main point is just that, for our relationships to not hurt, we have to be willing to root and weed out some of the boundaries that are not helping us. We can do it. I can do it!
What boundaries and ideas do you implement in your own relationships? I love ideas!
healthy relationships, healthy families, bits of sweetness relationships, daddy's girl, mama's boy, knights, duchesses, healthy boundaries, marriage.
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